Artisanal, Reluctant Branding Pioneer, Dies at Age 474
Artisanal, the son of Artisan, husband of Organic, father of Natural and Green and cousin of Hipster, passed away this Memorial Day of unknown causes. Perhaps it was the recent attribution of his name to absolutely anything, from Dominos Pizza to Dunkin Donuts.
He was a mercurial character; vain at best, snobbish and cruel at worst. Yet he was charismatic, drawing nouns to him like moths to a handcrafted soy candle's flame. Everyone wanted a piece of him. And despite his flaws, he was generous, willing to give of himself as well.